Its difficult to talk to you. To say all the things I want to say without the fear of your reaction, your hard-hearted neglect of my feelings when these moments come about you know how important it is to me, but you cannot close that off for one second just to listen. Im used to it, its not okay but I'm definatley used to it.
So I'm writing it down.
Why online? I dont know. I dont expect you to ever see this, or ever to understand it even.
You're the kind of person that would read this, know it is me instantly and your first words would be "why did you do that online?".
Well I dont know. So dont ask me.
I could sit alone, probably drunk, and write all this down in a jounral that will sit under my bed for months, maybe years, un-read and un-noticed by anyone. And when anyone got too close to my bed, I'd worry and panic that they'd see it and have a flick through, and then my big fucked up emotions would be spilled for all to look and laugh it.
And I guess putting it online is just a bigger version of that. But at least its not hidden under my bed where it can be found and I cant deny it.
So here it is. My confessions, my feelings, my letters to you.
Today has been a strange kind of day. After giving up drinking for over a week, (it sounds like nothing, but its a big deal, ok?) I had a glass of wine and guess who popped into my head?
I cant even relax with alcohol without thoughts of you messing it up.
I went to the movies with my friend, and wished I was there with you. We sat in the screen that we sat in the first time we went to see a film together. Do you remember? The film was really boring so we kissed and giggled through most of it.
I spoke to you briefly today. I am also so scared that I'll say something stupid, out of nerves of not knowing what to say, and I'll push you away even further and you wont want to talk to me. So I just end up apologising over and over, which makes me look neurotic and paranoid, which I know you hate.
"Everything's such a drama with you, isn't it?"
I keep thinking about all the little things we did, how we used to have so much fun, and I wonder if you ever think about those times anymore. I wonder if they ever pop into your head, and whether you miss them, or whether they just annoy you.
I think about the time you first told me you loved me, and how I'll never forget that look on your face.. Like you'd never realised what love was before then. But I knew you had. I thought you were joking, or just pissed. But after that second, I saw how much you meant it. And I dont ever think I'll see that in anyones eyes ever again.
I wonder if you remember that. Or even if it would matter now.
I hope this helps. Because nothing else has. Its been 2 years since I met and fell in love with you, and only a year of that did I have you. After a year, I still cant shake you off. And me for you, too, it seems.
Why cant it go away, like you did?
Love, me.
